Okay, I generally try to be upbeat (or appear so on my blog) however, every once in a while I would like to think everyone has a rough day. Today was definitely mine. To fully understand why I reached my breaking point let me back up to last summer.
Ian asked me all summer long if he could be on the swim team. We worked on our swimming, I took him to lessons and he improved enough to get permission to go down the slide at the YMCA. Fast forward to this summer. Ian still wants to be on the swim team. I agreed, knowing that taking three kids to the pool every day for the month and a half of swim team would be stressful.
The team I intended on joining was full so I spent the last week researching all swim teams and pools within about 10 miles of our house. I decided to go with the JCC because it was the most convenient, although it was also the most expensive.
Now as most of you know.... I can be stingy with money. Generally things are tight and when the beginning of summer approaches our finances are at their tightest. Schools and Sunday schools expect hefty deposits to hold places for next year, camps want to be paid in advance and summer heat increases many of our bills. This makes the choice to spend money difficult. I am human and I would like the money to be appreciated and I expect child participation. This should not be the case (especially with kids so young) but as I said, I am human.
Let me also preface this by saying that I have had a real case of the blues lately. I am struggling with the need for more adult interaction and not feeling mentally stimulated after 5 yrs of being a stay at home mom.
So when I had a rough day today and it ended with Ian NOT SWIMMING during swim team I snapped. He was doing the "I don't know how to swim" routine to get attention while hanging onto the instructor. He was cold and probably would have been warm if he was swimming but he chose to just hang onto the edge of the pool and sink to the bottom if asked to swim.
I got angry and informed him that if he didn't start swimming and if he got kicked off the swim team he would not be allowed to participate in anything for the fall. He proceeded to still not swim but look like an injured puppy the entire 1 1/2 hr swim practice.
At this point I must state that I know he will probably pick it back up in a couple days and all will be well, but I wasn't think this rationally at that moment.
All the other mothers gave me dirty looks because I am the horrible mother losing her temper with her 6 yr old. It was blazing hot, Alex wouldn't stay away from the edge of the pool, Daniel was antsy and I got sunburned. Darren was supposed to be home in time to relieve me of some of my duties but he wasn't, therefore, making things more difficult.
When I got home I apologized to Ian and went into my corner to cry my eyes our for being such a bad mom. Ian came out to tell me that it was okay, he forgave me and that I should come in to eat with them. This of course made me feel worse, as my 6 yr. old was acting the part of the parent, and I cried even harder.
So now, I am sitting at my computer with kids in bed feeling like I can do no right. I know that I should be appreciative of our health and all the fabulous things that we are blessed with but all I can think of is how hurt my 6 yr old looked and how bad I feel.
Please tell me all you mothers have also experienced an episode like this. How do you handle a moment where you act in a way that you know a loving mother shouldn't act? I am just really sad and frustrated with my current behavior and DREADING tomorrows swim practice.
3 comments:
Don't beat yourself up over it. It happens to ALL of us. Often! There are many a day where I (and Marlon too) lament the fact that we should have handled a situation better with the kids, even though we know that we are awesome parents. No one can do everything right all the time and no one is a perfect parent.
I think that your snapping at Ian in that situation was completely understandable. It's happened to me many times in similar situations. Kids are kids and they often don't "get it" that we spend all this money, all this time and effort to put them in activities and that means they should participate fully and completely and with enthusiasm. Sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. There are many times that Jacob will refuse to go to dance for some reason or another. Last week, when I picked him up from school I had brought the wrong jazz pants so he decided he just wasn't going to dance. He had missed the week before of this particular class b/c he was sick and he really needed to be there. It's way too close to the shows to miss so much. Reasoning didn't work, so I was yelling at him and recalled yelling something like "we pay over $400 a month for you to be at this dance studio and in these honor groups and I don't care if you dance naked, you're getting out of this car and getting your butt in that studio!" :)
Harrison, in his "tween" status, is going through a stage where he's not always as cooperative as he used to be. We've been battling it out soon and I often lose my cool. The worst is when you yell at one of the other kids because you're mad at a different kid - or even worse, when I yell at one (or all) of the kids because I'm mad at Marlon! That's been known to happen to.
When I feel bad about an incident such as yours, I think the most important thing is not to be afraid to go ahead and apologize and let your kids know that you feel bad for your actions and that parents are only human and we lose our tempers the same way they do. The older they get, the more they "get" that and it actually sets a really good example to show them that an apology, a kind word and an explanation goes a long way to make up for inappropriate or less-than-good behavior.
About Ian and swim team though... give it some time. Swim team can be pretty overwhelming at first. Our kids have all been on swim teams since they were 5 and they love it. I'm sure once he gets used to it and it's less overwhelming, he'll be swimming laps with the best of them. He may just need that extra attention from the coach right now.
If you want, have him call and talk to Harrison, jacob and Michela and they'll tell him how fun swim team is and how he should just go out there and give it his all. He may find it exciting to have something in common to talk about with his cousins!
Oh, Nicole, that is so normal! You just had too many things stacked up against you--taking all the kids to the pool is hard. Luckily, I think our kids won't remember these times when we lose our cool--at least the younger they are they won't! I have Ashton in swim lessons and he pulled that maneuver last week. I started out sweet, then firm, then I told him that I would empty out his piggy bank to pay for the wasted swim lessons. That did the trick as he was thinking about losing the treasured $10 bill. :)
Like you said, you are human! And kids can test us like no other. Plus, you have other needs that aren't being met...that always makes it harder for me handle stress, too.
You are a fabulous mom! I'm always impressed by the time and focus you have with your kids. Ian isn't a smarty pants for nothing. He is a testament that he has a mommy who cares.
Don't you remember me calling you about my issues with Brandon and swim lessons last summer. I freaked out in front of all the other moms and started crying right there at the pool! I told Shawn I was so embarrassed that he had to be the one to take Brandon to swim lessons for the rest of that session. Of course that is when Brandon decided he loved swimming but that is a different issue :) You are only human and we mothers are our own worst critics. Screw the other moms for giving you dirty looks. They know they have all been in the same situation a million times. At least you aren't letting your 10 month old cry in his crib so that you can check your sisters blog :)
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